by Lubomyr Prytulak
Posted on www.xoxol.org/putin/putin-at-g20.html on 16Nov2014 12:12am PST. Last revised 28Nov2014 11:42am PST
As I am averse to pomp and ceremony, I explicitly requested to be greeted upon my arrival not by Governor-General Sir Peter Cosgrove and Attorney-General George Brandis who welcomed all the other heads of state, but by lower functionaries, which is why you see me shaking hands with the Governor of Queensland, Paul de Jersey, the Assistant Defence Minister, Stuart Roberts, looking on. For my demonstration that I am but a man of the people — having much in common with Mahatma Gandhi — I award myself a plus.
I heard about the demonstrators who continue to view me as Hitler, but my chauffeur always managed to drive where I didn't have to look at them, so that's a plus on my side!
A very positive development was the one demonstrator portraying me as Doctor Evil instead of Hitler. Although I am flattered to be compared to a national leader as charismatic as Hitler, it has to stop because it clashes with my attempt to smear Ukrainians as fascists, which is why this shift to Doctor Evil has to be considered a plus.
Likening me to Lenin and Stalin is particularly flattering, and is even more welcome than likening me to Doctor Evil.
Likening me to Gollum is quite accurate.
Dracula is good too. Just stop with the Hitler!
Flags of the nations of the people killed in the downing of Malaysian flight MH17. What moral does anybody expect me to draw from this circus other than that the gods have granted me exemption from punishment for killing? Anybody lacking divine protection would have long ago been sitting behind bars for doing what I did. For this public reminder of my special status, I see no option but awarding myself another plus.
But one thing's for sure — I am the star attraction of this event. Who else gets such high billing? — Nobody! All eyes are on me, which is the way it's always been, and the way I'm going to keep it. There's no such thing as bad publicity. Gimme a plus for my top billing, or I'll kill you! (Just kidding!)
And why wouldn't I get top billing — I have a navy and I bring it with me to Australia, at least some of it, variously described as a fleet, a flotilla, a convoy, and an armada, but in reality consisting of only guided missile cruiser Varyag, destroyer Marshal Shaposhnikov, supply tanker Boris Butoma, and salvage tug Fotiy Krylov. I bring an armada because I can, and nobody else brings an armada because they can't, so I make world leaders piss their pants, and so I get top billing — elementary, my dear Watson, if I may be permitted to quote Shakespeare. Being the first in history to be accompanied by warships to a G20 summit has got to deserve a plus, wouldn't you agree?
As you already know, I've stopped wearing my psychic-energy-channelling wristwatch simply because its flow was cut off. Look, Ma, bare wrists! This further opportunity to demonstrate that I can stand on my own two feet without support from the gods has to be considered a plus, sort of.
Despite my aversion to the watch-that-stopped-channelling, I am advised that it looks peculiar to switch from flashing it always to showing it never, and that I should do just one photo op featuring it on my wirst and me consulting it. I reply that I have so many people organizing my time down to the nanosecond, that I would never have any need to consult a wristwatch, but they nag away at me until finally I agree just to shut them up. They hand me the watch, I put it on, pushing it way over to the side of my wrist so it would face the camera. They told me that it looked unnatural. I told them nobody would notice. They said all that was needed was to have the edge showing. I told them to shut the fuck up. Every time I succeed in hoodwinking the public merely by staging a photo, I give myself a plus.
However, the discontinuation of my psychic-energy flow leaves me fatigued and drowsy, and so I allowed myself several solid naps. Everyone around me thought I merely had my head down, thinking. Those naps are yet another plus in Australia!
Things got a bit edgy when I held out my hand to Stephan Harper. He hesitated as if he couldn't bear to touch me, but then relented, though with a forced smile. I'm counting my extraction of a handshake from Harper as a plus.
But all the while, Harper is spitting venom: "I guess I'll shake your hand, but I have only one thing to say to you: Get out of Ukraine!" Does this make sense to anyone? — The guy with no nukes berating the guy with thousands of nukes?
But in the end, I got the better of him — I smiled sweetly and said, "Getting out of Ukraine is impossible because we're not in Ukraine!" Biggest plus of all!
When you hit the nail right on the head with a perfect line like that, no point wasting it on an audience of one, and so I repeated it later to the whole crew, and literally had them rolling in the aisles. No kidding, that line about having no troops in Ukraine is always an icebreaker! Chalk up another plus.
I think I may have found a soul-mate in that Tony Abbot. We look like matching twins holding those koalas. It's gotta mean something that when I recoiled from the Koala with the skin disease, he offered to hold it in my stead. Plus.
Talks tough on Ukraine, but I think he's just trying to turn me on. For being able to elicit affection from Tony, I certainly deserve another plus.
In the old days, Obama would wrap his arm around my shoulders whenever we walked in the same direction, but today he snubbed me. I broke into tears. Here we've entered into minus territory.
And right after that, he suddenly spins around and looms over me like he's going to punch me in the face, and I tell him, tears still streaming down my cheeks from the snub of a few seconds ago, "Go ahead and hit me, you big bully!" so he backs off. Almost makes up for our Cuban Missile Crisis humiliation. In any case, a potential minus turned into a plus.
Struggling to break through the wall behind which Obama has immured himself, I try on him again the line about not having troops in Ukraine. Why not try again? It breaks everyone else up. But Obama refuses to laugh. Not sure he laughed the first time either. Have I lost power over him, or has he merely lost his sense of humor? In any case, another minus, I'm afraid.
There are those malicious persons who say that placing me at the extreme edge in the group photo was a reflection of the contempt in which I am held. The truth is that I requested placement among people more my own height. In the middle, I would have looked like a dwarf.
See what I mean? — Smiling happily because at the edge of the picture with people my own height really is where I wanted to be, achieving which qualifies me for another plus.
An unexpected plus is that sitting down, I even look taller than that guy they keep placing beside me (and to whom I am unable to utter a single word, as we have no language in common). My blurring in the photo has got to be deliberate because the photographer has to know that he needs greater depth-of-field for a shot like this, and has to know that he can get greater depth-of-field by narrowing his aperture. However, I'm not going to give myself a minus for being out-of-focus, because Cameron is also out-of-focus, so it's not a sure sign of disrespect.
After maintaining composure for ever so long, I did finally collapse into despair. So what if, while sitting down, I looked taller than the gent beside me — I knew that standing up he was taller, though not by much. But that's not why I collapsed into despair. I collapsed into despair at the memory of the 298 who died when the Ukrainian fascists shot down Malaysian flight MH17. I swore to avenge that wrong, if it was the last thing I did. I give myself a plus for bearing the burden of human suffering, while all the other leaders were merrily making small talk with each other. Their laughter still rings in my ears, and ever reminds me of the degeneracy of the West.
Anyway, this whole question of my shortness has been greatly exaggerated. I have measured myself, and have released the information that I am 1.7 meters, which is 5'7", and which many have been kind enough to accept and repeat, and which makes me average, and average is not at all the same as short, so shut the fuck up about short! Does a gentleman's word mean nothing in this day and age?
In the midst of all this, they bring to my attention the Der Spiegel cover portraying me as still a Goliath, an arsonist Goliath this time. I like that. It means they still fear me. Definitely a plus!
I hope the artists don't start noticing that (my flow of psychic energy having been cut off) I no longer flash my wristwatch. That might lead them to draw me smaller than other world leaders, not bigger. The Der Spiegel illustration that had been first considered for the cover had shown me as a Lilliputian arsonist, running around setting fires, with Brobdingnagian Cameron, Merkel, and Obama looking down in dismay. I discreetly enquired whether the relative sizes could be reversed prior to publication, and Der Spiegel was kind enough to oblige.
And leaving the summit prematurely was a nice finishing touch — it demonstrated that I had more important things to do and the others didn't. Very big plus.
The bottom line is that I am who I am, and I'm happy to be who I am, and I don't travel around with look-alikes who I'm not, the way some people do, which makes me better than some people, and for which I think I deserve a final plus.